She Had It Comin'

I need to get back to Christ. I've been so obsessed lately about how much I've changed this year and the new "me" I've become that I suddenly think I can manage on my own. I've been so focused on being semi-rebellious for once in my life, a little euro-crazy, trying to separate myself from my former goody goody church girl self, that these days, God and the role He plays in my life is nearly a hinderance. What the heck? Where would I even be without Him? Clearly, the state of most things in my life right now is a plain example of the emptiness and fruitlessness of a pursuit of life devoid of God.

I have changed a lot this year though, and while I've made my mistakes, I daresay, most of it has been for the better. Nonetheless, where I am currently is not where I want to be at all. The mental, physical, emotional, spiritual state of things at the moment shows me that God still has so much farther to take me. I want freedom from the chains of complacency that hold me from experiencing the even greater or better yet, the absolute very best.

I have 69 days left. That's over two months. I know God can (and will) rock so much more in that time. I hate getting to the point of things where all I have left is to ask Him to break my heart because every other time I have done so, man, has He brought it. The end product is always beautiful, satisfying, fulfilling. Naturally. But the process is so painful. I'm no masochist arrogantly praying to hurt, but I know that often times I don't truly learn until God burns and scrapes and cuts and breaks.

Even now, I want to continue to write verbose sentences to avoid saying what I really need to. In my finite human mind, I only see the immediate struggle and heartache with no patience and wisdom of the ultimate good to sustain me. And though I know I will falter (and badly so) and will need to humbly remind myself again and again...I trust God.

So, God, *takes a deep breath* break my heart.

I don't want to remain in this disgusting state. I want freedom to live, to love, to worship. In a genuine, honoring, and steadfast manner. Break my heart, begin me anew, and refine me to the point of 'perfection.' (06/05/2008)


And so it begins...